From the WordPress Blog Musings, Rants and Raves 6/23/2011
I am not the most prolific blogger, in case you couldn’t tell. As
usual, life has a way to getting in the way of good intentions. I have
been pondering this idea of life being a spiral for a while now. Like
most ideas for my blogs, this thought really came to me as a bit of an
epiphany. It’s like you are out mowing the lawn one day and get this
fantastic insight into achieving world peace or something. Ok, my blog
is not going to bring about world peace, but if it does bring a bit of
peace to your own soul or at least give you some food for thought, I
think that makes the effort to blog worth it.
It wasn’t long ago
that I was feeling frustrated and angry at myself. My sense, at the
time, was that I was repeating an old pattern. As I have said in one of
my previous blogs, I come from a very traditional religious background.
Back in 2008 I had a massive paradigm shift. I was sitting in church one
day when a voice in my head (loudly) said, “I can’t do this anymore.” I
left the church with no real plans to return. Let me just be clear, I
left church but not God. If anything, leaving church made me more
determined in defining what “God” is for me and how it fits into the big
picture of my life. The fact of the matter is I have done this many
times before. Throughout my late teens into my adult years there was
this underlying sense that I was missing something, there was some thing
out there that I needed to find that would make my life make sense. I
would get a break from it for awhile, throw myself into church but then I
would feel this restlessness take hold.
I would drift away from
church, then come back months or years later. I would follow this
pattern over and over. Each time I would come back and think if I just
tried harder, had a bit more faith, this thing that drove me in and out
of church would go away but it never really did. This last time felt
different though. I honestly never pictured myself going back. Going
back would be a step back not forward. Imagine my surprise a few months
ago when that old sense of restlessness took hold and I found myself
being drawn back to church. It felt overwhelming, like a wave that I was
drowning in. I missed the people, the sense of community, I missed the
“culture” of church, I missed the music, the bible study, all of it.
Even though it often left me feeling empty and frustrated, there was a
longing for it. I was not happy about it. I was taking a step backwards.
How did I get here? Why was this happening? On a lovely Saturday
morning as I was mowing the lawn, I had what is properly known as the
light bulb moment.
At that moment I saw an image of a spiral. In
that moment, I realized that I could not take a step back even if I
wanted to. I could not take a step back because there was nothing to
step back to. I was walking the spiral and each ring of the spiral
simply meant a new cycle. I could literally feel my energy shift and for
the first time in weeks, I could take a deep breath. In those few
moments in my backyard, the image of the spiral changed my whole
perspective about my past and the future. I also realized that there are
not “mistakes” in life, only opportunities.
Yes, I am leaving you
hanging and I apologize about that, but this is a blog not an online
novel. That and I do actually have a day job. I am pretty sure blogging
does not qualify as a reason to ask for a day off.
I will post part 2 tomorrow night so until then my friends.
Namaste
No comments:
Post a Comment